beforeafterI felt bad about my neck today and a few other areas of my face, but then I remembered that Nora Ephron felt bad about her neck and she wrote a book about it called ” I feel bad about my neck” and it became a best seller. Then she died. After she died I’m guessing she didn’t feel bad about her neck anymore, and right BEFORE she died, she probably felt bad about other things besides her neck, like the thought of not having a head to put on her neck. Remembering Nora, I no longer feel bad about my neck. I am thankful that I HAVE a neck and it’s alive and functional.
And how it creeps up on us…. the reality of age and what it really means…. for women it can mean never being fucked again… the thought… never being fucked again, ever…let alone touched with a
affection. It seems you’ve been dumped. They’ve had enough. Take up a spectator sport. Volunteer, push forward with an art project. Spew your ejection on a canvas. Chin up, chest out, keep that ascot straight. A pretty woman, the dentist’s wife, had her lip lines injected. Her skin is smooth. The dentist is happy. My mouth resembles an asshole. Can I handle it? The dentists wife encourages me to make an appointment with her dermatologist. I made the appointment today. Easy injections, for 1,000 bucks, rid me of this plague. I could be kissable again. It’s a gamble, this investment. I need a storage shed. I need to finish my book. It’s time to move towards crone with dignity and I imagine a man kissing each lip line as though it were a river, the river of my life, each smirk and frown and pout, a map imbedded. A biography.
Okay, at the last minute I went to a top Injectotron Dermatologist in Sarasota for a consult. This is the land of the Forever Old…. and yet being old down here seems to be an illness that can be cured with money. You can be old here, sure, but you can’t look old. To look old down here is to look poor because on every block there is a plastic surgeon, an implant dentist, a beauty parlor, massage parlor, health club, a make-up drive-through, a pre-embalming building. There is no fucking excuse down here to look bad unless you are a failure or dead. For example,The shit they inject in your lip lines to fill them in lasts for 8-12 months. It costs 1,500 dollars. Today, the doctor, glancing at my ripped shirt and plastic pocketbook, offered me a ten percent discount. So this means, I asked, that this procedure is basically 1,300 bucks a year, ongoing? There is a good chance, she said, that after a few injections your lines won’t return as fast as that and you might be able to get away with injections every year and a half. In other words, a person could take a trip to Europe every year or give a thousand bucks to a charity and simply ignore the lip lines, knowing, deep down in ones soul, that anybody who may judge you or alter their affection for you because of lip lines should be removed from your Rolodex and dance card immediately. My personal solution to lip lines? A Van Dyke beard and mustache. Will be ordering one on-line soon, until then, eyebrow pencil. Oh, and to prevent further wrinkling, I must stop talking, smiling, frowning or taking long, slow tokes. Fat chance.
Loved my gray hair, so why did I just dye it the color of old Teddy Bear fur? I was aiming for, I don’t know what, something other than gray. An experiment. I didn’t leave the dye in long enough, so it’s a monotone brown,a half assed brown, a Nice n Easy brown, a drab, dull, deletion brown. My head is brown. As though I’m wearing a brown helmet. It doesn’t look like hair anymore. It’s a bad wig. A cheap dime store mistake. On a scale of browns, it’s a five. Not a medium brown or a dark brown or a light brown. It’s brown. A color that doesn’t exist in nature except, as I mentioned, on tired, neglected Teddy Bears or a Crayola crayon. It is the color least often utilized in fashion, billboards or ad campaigns. It is the brown of a healthy, big shit in a pot. A nondescript brown so obtuse as to evoke fury. Fury at the brown-ness of a useless brown. A brown that gives brown its name.